A Simplified Phrasebook Of Conversational Dictatortopian For Tourists

?!*>@. etc.

… and a half

Suffix, indicating a little extra. “And then some”. E.g. “Peace Out 5000 and a half” (abbrev. PO5.5K). “I drank about five and half cases of beer last night.” “I was shit-faced drunk. And a half.” Etc.

A

absofuckinglutely

fucking certain
damn straight

B

banjomancer

Notorious individuals who lurk near rivers waiting for people to float by on rafting expeditions while strumming on banjos. Legend gives these individuals the ability to transmute humans into pigs.

bass player

A happy drunk.

bass player beer

A pitcher or larger quantity of fermented beverage.

bombidastrous

An impressive and spectacular failure of epic proportions. “Waterworld was bombidastrous.”

C

celebutard

A celebrity who is famous for… being a celebrity and doing retarded things. Example: Paris Hilton

D

dick-shaped bruise

Visible contusion caused by use of the penis as a rod of correction.

dictatorbox seating

Preferred location for watching shows - to the side of the stage, on the side nearest the bar.

douchebaggery

Any activity associated with douchebaggishness.

douchebaggotry

A more extreme form of douchebaggery, generally performed with other douchebags.

drummer

An angry drunk.

dumbfucked

Fucked into speechlessness.

E

esophageal vaginitis

A severe inflammation of the throat that prevents singing.

F

fartocalypse

The ultimate battle between the good and evil gods of flatulence.

Root- (Greek: Fartokálypsis; “lifting of the cheek”) is a term applied to the “disclosure” from certain privileged persons of something best hidden from the majority of humankind. Today the term is often used to refer to the end of the world, which may be a shortening of the phrase fartokalupsis eschaton which literally means “Smelly revelation at the end of the æon, or age”.

The Ancient Scrolls of El Azteca tell of a 10 minute chili recipe that brings on the Fartocalypse:

“And I saw when the man opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, a voice in the midst of the four cheeks say, A measure of steak for a penny, and three measures of beans for a penny; and see thou spare not the pepper and the beer.”

fartriloquist

One skilled in the art of blaming his (or her) farts on someone else.

Root- (Latin: comes from the Latin for “butt speaker.” The Greeks called this asstromancy (Greek: Asstromancer).

fratulent

Redolent with the fraternity nature. Excessive greekness unameliorated by pita bread or olives.

G

ghay

Describes someone or something that is some combination of:

pretentious
annoying
homosexual

Does not necessarily imply homosexuality.

ghaytarded

Describes someone or something that is both ghay and retarded.

ghetto daquiri

Straight rum chased with a Starburst.

H

hippie

Someone with more bongos than bars of soap.

I

incredi-

Prefix indicating incredibility. E.g. “incrediboob” (describing a woman with large breasts), “incrediwank” (an exceptionally long session with the pornograph), etc. C.f. ridicu-, incredu-.

incredu-

Prefix indicating incredulity. The “d” is pronounced more like a “j” or “dg”. E.g. “incredudrunk” (describing the usual condition of the ‘tots), “increduhot” (an extemely attractive person), etc. C.f ridicu-, incredi-.

J

jackbox

A personal computer. E.g. “Jackbox 3000”.

jack-in-the-box

A sperm donor clinic.

K

kick astronaut

An intrepid adventurer exploring the universe of awesomeness.

kludgical

When you use duct tape instead of bailing wire.

L

lite beer kit

A pitcher of bud and a pitcher of water. Mix in belly until drunk.

loser pills

Medicine prescribed for the prevention and cure of excessive productivity and self-sufficiency.

M

N

no pants weekend

A fabulous vacation package requiring absolutely no travel, featuring in-room dining, video games, theatrical and musical performances, and self-massage seminars. All activities are hands-on; telephone and housekeeping services are optional.

O

P

pornograph

A device for replaying previously recorded sexual activity. Generally features a screen for displaying moving or still pictures and a one-handed control mechanism. Most models are still hand-cranked.

pornucopia

A limitless font of pornography. C.f. the internet, M.C. Hatchet’s hard drive.

Q

R

rawesome

raw and awesome
the stuff Bo Bender rubs on his bow

ridicu-

Prefix, used to indicate ridiculousness or excessiveness. E.g. “ridicuboob” (describing a woman with large breasts), “ridicudrunk” (extremely inebriated), “ridicufly” (quite attractive), “ridiculosity” (degree of ridiculousness). C.f. incredi-, incredu-.

RL

That strange and often unpleasant place where you must wear “pants” and go to “work”. Adventures in RL should be limited to collection of money and/or food.

roadie

See bass player, drummer.

S

scooternity

The amount of time it takes one to drive down Prince Avenue whilst following a fat townie on a Vespa.

snaction

Gettin’ your snack on.

sorositoot

A panhellenic prostitute working on her M.R.S. degree.

Starbuckistan

A rapidly expanding portion of the United States, originating in the pacific northwest, consisting of people who say things like “half-caff nonfat latte grande” with a straight face.

stroob

A stretch mark in women’s clothing between the breasts. See http://www.stroobs.com/

suckuitous

A situation, person, or thing that sucks in an annoyingly roundabout way.

sunday beer

Anything with alcohol in it that you have to drink on a sunday. E.g. rum, wine, a can of PBR still rolling around on the floor, Scope.

T

-tastic

Suffix to indicate wonderful amounts of the modified word. E.g. “funbagtastic”, “wanktastic”, “rocktastic”, etc.

that’s what she said

All-purpose humorous response; can be used after virtually any statement. That’s what she said.